Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
