Plan B is the new Plan A
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
the day after is always just damage control
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
