I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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