do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize