Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
