Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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