I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just found puke in my bra..
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Randomize
