but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
