Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He passed out mid-signature
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
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