wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
