Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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