All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
