you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize