oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
