I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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