#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
