So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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