get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
