I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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