had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
