I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
