Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
