i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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