theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
