I hate your face
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Randomize
