My sheets look like a crime scene.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize