watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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