i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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