Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
