I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
