I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
