i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
