A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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