THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
