nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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