i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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