I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
