I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
