You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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