Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
