Sorry, I don't speak sober.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
