This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
