I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
