I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
