Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
