I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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