He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
