you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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