The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
