keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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