my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
