When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
