During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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