i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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