Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
