i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
